Its funny you know. A single question from a writer that I was asked a month ago hasn’t stopped bothering me. I keep going back to it. Its lead me to stop and think loads about all sorts of things and allow myself a little dwell on some of the amazing stuff I have done over the last couple of years. Now, I have always been a sort of ‘what will be will be’ kinda girl. I still am. I think. I still think that we are meant to be where we are doing what we are supposed to be doing even if its sometimes seems that we are not and that everything is a bit pointless. I still believe that. Some days I believe that a bit more than other days, but still……
Now there is no denying that I have had a few turbulent years. I have had things happen that have quite literally knocked me from pillar to post. I have had time when I have just stopped and stared at my navel for hours, having planned to do something, write something, be somewhere, then just not managed to leave the sofa/bed/house. These times have then been followed by a mass amount of guilt poured on myself by myself like petrol – with the fact I have ‘wasted time’ being the wick my thoughts then ignited. I may be the one shouting publicly ‘life is too short!’ ‘do it!!!’ ‘ah thats ace well done’ but the amount of effort any enthusiasm has taken has always been privately balanced by a massive weight of lack of confidence, huge disappointment in others, fear of trust and general wall building that I often just let take me over.
I want to start to remember some of the stuff I have done that has been ace. I don’t mean just relay it back here – although as part of the process I will – I mean FEEL that stuff again. How it felt when I was doing it, when it was completed when I talked about it afterwards. All those feelings.
One way I always use to explain, exaggerate and express feelings and emotion is through music. I have done it forever. Then a couple of years ago I started making short films with soundtracks that had clues in them to tell the story. I think the first one I ever did was actually the best one I ever did. And thats what I have chosen to return to today. There is no bitterness or anger in this film. Its a film about new beginnings, different ways of moving forward and a mind thats still very much spinning. Theres also a whole other load of symbolism within this film, but for now here it is again – its two years old now but I still get shivers when I watch it.
‘The Good The Bad and the Ugly (and then there was two)’, Featuring NDeva, Shot and Edited by LilWing, 2015.